Ok, so several things I want to touch on tonight. First, I usually write best when I am listening to music. I know, big shock. I feel, however, that I should share with you lovely readers my taste. All of these blogs so far have been written whilst listening to Tiesto.
I don't normally listen to a lot of trance/techno/electrorave stuff, but I find it to be very conducive to the types of things I've been revealing these past few nights.
I also have come to the realization that I simply can't talk about each and every one of the people I've slept with in sequence. I remember most of them very well, but there are a few that I cannot put into a timeline, purely from the fact that our coupling simply wasn't memorable enough. I have had a fair amount of bad sex, much to my dismay. Not necessarily because I wasn't willing to put the effort forth to make it good sex, but simply because I lacked the desire to make it better than it was. It takes a good bit of effort sometimes to make good sex happen, especially when the people that you happen to be sharing a bed with are so damn closed about their sexuality.
It is frustrating to no end to find out that the person you spent the time and energy into getting in bed simply haven't the wherewithal to do anything more than lay there and moan, regardless of what is done. Of course, this could be am indicator of how poorly my amorous skills were at the time, but I somehow doubt it. I have done far too much in the intervening years for me to try and hide behind poor skill. No, it generally was a dirth of laziness, and that is all.
Hell, that is somehow WORSE than simply being a bad lay. It's being a bad and uninterested lay that just makes me cringe. How was I being any better than them when I did this? How can I justify my own reaction if I was simply going through the motions?
This is a realization that I came to several years ago, and one that I have sincerely put into real practice since. It absolutely explains how not only have I had more partners, but how I haven't received any complaints lately. Of course, any shitty frat boy on the street will say they haven't gotten any complaints, regardless of however many they have or have not received, so take it as you will.
The next one I am going to speak about is J----. She was one of the few models I've had that I actually slept with. I have made it a practice in my long and sordid love affair with the camera to NOT sleep with the people that I only really know from shooting them. It is totally unprofessional, and it often times leads to a reputation as a creeper and a shark and a sickness that makes most models unwilling to work for you. I have violated this rule only twice, and I feel that both times were justified with the relationship that developed between us after.
J---- was so intensely aroused by the act of my photographing her nudity that the moment I put the camera down, she fairly jumped me. I remember her comment very very well. "So, are are you just going to stand there with that camera, or are you going to come over here and actually fuck me?" I didn't really know what to say or do, so I just did it.
Holy fuck, I am so glad that I did. You see, K---- first really got me into the kinky side of sex, but ours was still mostly vanilla. J---- on the other hand was a totally kinky bitch, and I fucking loved it. She was my first masochist, my first real foray into sadism and it's intimate relationship with fuck. She liked it all, she liked to be spanked, slapped, bit, burned, cut, poked, and prodded. She liked it when I tied her to the bed with her ass in the air and /used/. It was great, and I loved every twisted fucking minute of it.
Up until this point, my experience with kink had come mostly from conversations with my Mentor and a few exciting cyber experiences. It was a total thrill to be able to translate things that I had only read about into reality. I loved fucking her and making her bleed. I loved the power of it, the intoxicating thrill of her submission. I was hooked like a fish and I've never really looked back.
Now, I realize that talking about this takes on a substantial risk, but I believe that honesty is a trait to be admired, and even though the filter that should fall into place over something like this has been rigged to not work in this instance, I feel that revealing this sort of thing to you, my dear reader, can somehow be educational in a way. It is my hope that someone reading this will take from my experiences and not make some of the mistakes I did.
You see, at the time, I was very hung up on the whole monogamy issue. My logic brain told me that monogamy is a bit foolish in this day and age, but at the time I was so brainwashed into thinking that monogamy was the One True Way (tm), that I realized that I was letting go of a chance that comes so rarely in our lives. I won't say that pluralism is for everyone, or even that it doesn't bring along it's own set of problems, but I can say that it has opened up my eyes to some of the most amazing and intense experiences of my life.
She was a first of many things for me, including my first threesome.
It was awesome, fun, exciting, and left me so fucking jealous I couldn't see straight. I fucked up a beautiful relationship because I couldn't handle the fact that I was so amazingly turned on by watching her fuck someone else and it conflicted so harshly with everything I had been taught since birth.
Again with the whole brilliant opportunity to spread my Antichristian propaganda. I will not succumb! Not this time anyway.
It is a rabbit hole I will get into, I promise, but not tonight.
Speaking of, today has been something of an oddity. I woke up early, worked like a crazy man at my incredibly badass job, had a conversation about particle physics with my mum, spent some time at the creek with my beloved daughter, spoke with a man I have rapidly grown to respect and admire, and ended up at a nightclub listening to tunes I haven't heard since the mid nineties. Now, I am sitting on the porch, listening to the cars drive by, a steaming cup of tea beside me, a cigarette burning in the ash tray, and wonderful tunes coursing through my head.
This was a fucking good day. I spent the day with people I love, and the evening with a girl I want to make mine. Yes, I know you're probably going to read this, and yes, I am talking to you. Surprise, I know, this is a wonderful way of tactfully going about this, right? Fuck tact. I spend my professional life being nothing but proper and tactful. Hell, I have spent most of my life being tactful and respectful and polite and oh so miserably reserved. I've had fun, don't get me wrong, but I know that I have missed out on so much because I was unwilling to let the chips fall as they may.
Yes, I am a strict and protocol driving Dominant, but kink is not at all about being tactful in private, and even as public a forum as this is, it's my private mind expressing itself. If I can't be honest and drop the tact when writing this ridiculous blog, then where the fuck else? I am mastering myself, as odd as this is, it is my way.
It is late, and I am going to have another long day tomorrow, so now I leave you with a final thought, a way of once more reaching out and attempting to touch your minds.
We are always so afraid of what others think of us. This can be healthy when learning to keep your professional and private lives separate, but it can be incredibly damaging to us as we reach out and begin to interact socially with those around us. This entire blog has but one purpose, and it is for me to reveal myself to you, to brush away the carefully crafted and utterly useless image I have made for myself. This is who I am, and all that I ask, is that you be real with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment