Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Oh. My. God. Blogspot.

So, I'm thinking of writing a blog. It's something I've done off and on over the years, and writing really is something that I do rather well.

Ok, so I'm a bit conceited and a bit full of myself, but you can't tell me that that isn't something that you don't find appealing in my personality, now can you?

But, in all seriousness, all writers have a bit of pretentious self-importance about themselves, otherwise, you would never have read them, you would never quote their work, and you wouldn't see their names on the spines of the books you so love. All writers are conceited, I'm just a little more honest about it than most.

What would I possible write about in this blog that anyone would find interest in reading? What has happened in my life that would make it at all useful to people on the outside? I am an egocentric asshole, for sure, but I don't really want to write something that is just a giant waste of time. I do write a bit for self gratification, but those, I promise, will not grace your shelves or tickle your voyeuristic fetish.

Ahhhhh. Perhaps that is it. Sex, fetish, kink, vanilla, loathsome twosome threesome four some, moresome? There we go. I think I will follow in the footsteps of all of the other ridiculous little bloggers out there and talk about sex. My sex life, or lack there of. Perhaps, rather, I will write about how a fat fuck like me has almost always had a hot piece of ass of some form or another.

No. I think I will write about my sexual partners first, starting from the very beginning. I think that it would give some context for my later work, and I don't think any of you will ever give a shit about this, but I am going to pretend that you do, in fact, care.

Her name was V----. You didn't really think I would give her name, did you? Those of you that really know me already know of her or know her yourself, so there really is no point. Those of you that don't, fuck you. Go find that fetish somewhere else.

She was short, had a deformity in her left foot, had super curly hair, and some of the most amazing tits I had ever seen. Admittedly, I hadn't seen very many REAL tits at the tend age of 17, but I have seen quite a few since then and I would still say that there was something amazing about them. Perky, dark little nipples that tasted of the vanilla body wash she used all the damn time. They were small c-cups, and they fit perfectly in my hands.

They looked huge on her 4'11 frame, and she knew it. She also knew how to be a grade A psycho, but I will get to that later.

We dated briefly in high school. She was a senior, I was a sophomore. I thought I was hot shit dating a senior. A senior with a CAR. so what if her deformity netted her a handicapped parking space, it was a fucking CAR. I was in lurv.

Ok, no I wasn't. I wanted to believe that I was, so I told her I did. Right up until we had been dating for six months or so, I decided I couldnt stand how ultra codependent she was, and I dumped her. Second biggest mistake I ever made with her was dumping her so badly. The first came later, when I decided it would be a good idea to fuck her.

No, we hadn't slept together, that came over a year later when I joined her at SFCC. we never started seeing each other at college, I had decided that I liked dating men, and had spent a good bit of time playing around with them. I had several make out and blow job friends, but sex? That all elusive beautiful thing was still eluding me, and I had no idea how to go about attaining it.

I told HER, however, that I was quite the manwhore. Lied like a stupid little boy, but somehow that made me seem more attractive to her and eventually, on her bed a few months into my seventeenth year, we finally bumped the uglies.

It was terrible.

I performed exactly like you would expect a 17 year old virgin to perform, she didn't cum, and I thought it was... Well, not that good really. Did I get addicted? You bet your sweet Nickers I did. I loved sex, and I decided that I would fuck her even if it was terrible, just because I was getting laid.

What I didn't really count on was that virgin women (yep, twenty and still a virgin) can get ohmygod attached to the gentleman that was so stupid as to deflower them. And I thought she was codependent and clingy BEFORE we had sex.

She hunted me down all over the place. It didn't matter where I went on campus, she would find me and walk with me to class. She would sit with me in the computer lab while I chatted about geek things and boy things with other boys. I was terrible to her, and I regret that.

Ultimately, she went full psycho on me and I was forced to end it. I told her I never wanted to see her again, she pulled more psycho out of her handbag and claimed I raped her.

Yep. Honest and stupid here. That's me.

Did I really rape her? Not on your life. However, she scared the piss out of me right up until she used that as an opportunity to drag me unwilling back to her apartment. I, being stupid as fuck, actually believed that she thought she had been raped. I had no idea what to do, I was scared out of my fucking mind, and I didn't want to do anything that might set her off. So I went to her place, had one more terrible romp in her bed, realized I was a stupidfuckingmoron, and left as carefully as I could. Did I mention the guilt complex? Ooo I felt so goddamn dirty. I went home and showered as a trembling mess. I had no idea what to expect, no idea what to say or do.

It scared me very bad. Then I realized that there was no way I could have raped her, all 8 underwhelming episodes had been initiated by her clumsy advances, and she was just saying that to get me back in her bed. Psycho, remember?

I have regretted many parts of that relationship ever since. I cannot say that I regret the sex, it definitely taught me a lot about myself and about how much I didn't know about sex, and it taught me that Men do really fucking stupid things when they are highly aroused. Must watch that. Mustn't do anything else stupid as fuck.

Yeah, right.

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