Well, here goes blog project #2. I am still hoping that this will turn out to be a bit more serious of an endeavor than most of my other writing projects, and I believe that that hope and desire will pan out into something useful. For a change.
Before I continue on with my sexual narrative, I want to take a moment and really make a laugh at american society these days. We are so very fucked up, aren't we? Everyone has their own little priority list, and and somehow the politicians find a way to throw money at just about all of them, wqithout ever really solve any of them.
I don't really care about the War, I used to be more or less a supporter of it, but now I'm just kind of tired of the whole thing. We have been at war for almost ten years now, and still we are only marginally better off than we were. Yes, we captured Saddam. Yes, we shot Usama. But the Colonel Sir is still over there waving his flaccid cock at the western world, and Assad kills his children without recourse, Mubarak kept his people poor as dirt, but he really wasn't that much of an extremist really. He didn't kill his own people on his way out like any of these other fucks are.
So, we have essentially destabilized one of the most volatile places on the planet, and we think we are doing a good job? Oh yes, destabilizing them, while at the same time pissing on ne of our most important allies in all of this mess? Why doesn't anyone see how fucking stupid this is?
Yet, we get all up in arms if a couple of twinks or some carpet eaters want to get married. If little Johnny happens to see some titty on the Telly, the ethics parade gets all going and effigies get burnt, a homosexual or two gets beaten to death, and everyone goes home feeling like they've accomplished something. No wonder our kids are all screwed up, they, like us, have been raised their entire lives to think war is unimportant, sex is a hideous sin, and social issues are only important based upon whichever minority screams the fucking loudest.
But, really my opinions are shaped by my past, I am a product of the things I am, and now I continue on.
K----. I don't know how it happened, but I really shouldn't have been surprised. I never was very attracted to her physically, but something about her drew me like a moth to the flame.
Now, I have made an important decision. I want to speak candidly and honestly about my history, my opinions, my thoughts. I pretty much proved that with my last posting, and it would be uncouth of me to not continue the tradition. Why is this important? Because K---- and I are still good friends, and she reads this. Yes, my dear, I know you read this, and I am going to probably hurt you a bit with this, and I am sorry.
I am a sadistic fuck, I love hurting people physically, but I have always hated causing people genuine emotional agony. I know this agony far far far too well to relish the thought of someone else suffering like I have, and so even the slightest emotional knife wounds I give my friends cut me like a fucking knife.
But I also need to be honest with them, and be honest with myself.
I was never physically attracted to her, even long after we started fucking. Even now, I love her dearly and she is and has been one of the most important influences in my life, I am not. It reveals how desperately shallow I am, and admitting it hurts like I cannot describe.
Fuck me, I am such a cad.
Just because I'm not attracted to her never meant I wasn't aroused by her, and dear fucking god.... She knew exactly how to turn a bloke on, and even today she has a power over me I find exhilarating. It is nice to know that there is someone out there that knows me so very well that she can arouse me with a look. I learned so very much from her, not just in how to make love to a woman, but how to be alive.
After V----, there was L----. I never slept with her, even though the opportunity arose on several occasions. I regret not doing it, but my reasons for not were damn good ones. L---- and I dated for several months, and she was the first person I ever really loved. Oh yeah, I had it bad, and when that relationship went sideways, K---- was there to be my friend, to help me through the bad shit, to open her bed to me and provide comfort both physically and mentally.
I wish I could have loved her. I know now that that would have completely changed the direction of my life, so very much would have been different. But the knowledge now doesn't help me then. I wanted to love her, I knew she was consciously not allowing herself to love me, and I was doing just the opposite, consciously fighting to force myself to love her.
And I felt guilty as hell. I wanted her sexually, and I was thrilled by how much I was learning from her... But I felt like I was abusing her far more than V---- could ever claim I abused her.
It was an amazing summer. I spent almost every day with K----, and even though I couldn't love her THAT way, I found that I loved her in a completely different way. She became my confidant, my friend, my lover. In many respects, she became my very best friend, and I have loved her so ever since. She was always there for me, and I owe her so much more than i could ever repay.
She is in an amazing relationship with an incredible man now. He is such a badass, and I look forward to knowing him better as the years pass. They're a poly couple, and that's one of the coolest things ever. I wish you both the very best, I really do.
She was number two, and we fucked pretty constantly for a good bit of time. Even after L---- moved back, but before we became an issue again, I continued to sleep with K----. It was fantastic sex, some of the best I've ever had, and I hope we get the chance to fuck again really soon. Now that we have matured considerably, and I've learned even more, I am interested in seeing what the dynamic will be. Especially since we are both so Dominant now. I know that won't be a problem since we both respect and care for each other, but it will definitely add a flavor to the bedroom that promises to be... Interesting.
I guess ones of the most important lessons I learned from her was that sex could be healthy. Sex didn't have to be an expression of romantic love, but it could be an expression of a different love no less pure. A love of sex, a love of friendship and companionship, a love of learning, a love of instruction. I have taken lessons from that relationship and carried them throughout the rest of my life. Thank you, K----, with all of the wretched little remnants of my tired old heart.
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