Sex, and the art of love.

Well, here goes blog project #2. I am still hoping that this will turn out to be a bit more serious of an endeavor than most of my other writing projects, and I believe that that hope and desire will pan out into something useful. For a change.

Before I continue on with my sexual narrative, I want to take a moment and really make a laugh at american society these days. We are so very fucked up, aren't we? Everyone has their own little priority list, and and somehow the politicians find a way to throw money at just about all of them, wqithout ever really solve any of them.

I don't really care about the War, I used to be more or less a supporter of it, but now I'm just kind of tired of the whole thing. We have been at war for almost ten years now, and still we are only marginally better off than we were. Yes, we captured Saddam. Yes, we shot Usama. But the Colonel Sir is still over there waving his flaccid cock at the western world, and Assad kills his children without recourse, Mubarak kept his people poor as dirt, but he really wasn't that much of an extremist really. He didn't kill his own people on his way out like any of these other fucks are.

So, we have essentially destabilized one of the most volatile places on the planet, and we think we are doing a good job? Oh yes, destabilizing them, while at the same time pissing on ne of our most important allies in all of this mess? Why doesn't anyone see how fucking stupid this is?

Yet, we get all up in arms if a couple of twinks or some carpet eaters want to get married. If little Johnny happens to see some titty on the Telly, the ethics parade gets all going and effigies get burnt, a homosexual or two gets beaten to death, and everyone goes home feeling like they've accomplished something. No wonder our kids are all screwed up, they, like us, have been raised their entire lives to think war is unimportant, sex is a hideous sin, and social issues are only important based upon whichever minority screams the fucking loudest.

But, really my opinions are shaped by my past, I am a product of the things I am, and now I continue on.

K----. I don't know how it happened, but I really shouldn't have been surprised. I never was very attracted to her physically, but something about her drew me like a moth to the flame.

Now, I have made an important decision. I want to speak candidly and honestly about my history, my opinions, my thoughts. I pretty much proved that with my last posting, and it would be uncouth of me to not continue the tradition. Why is this important? Because K---- and I are still good friends, and she reads this. Yes, my dear, I know you read this, and I am going to probably hurt you a bit with this, and I am sorry.

I am a sadistic fuck, I love hurting people physically, but I have always hated causing people genuine emotional agony. I know this agony far far far too well to relish the thought of someone else suffering like I have, and so even the slightest emotional knife wounds I give my friends cut me like a fucking knife.

But I also need to be honest with them, and be honest with myself.

I was never physically attracted to her, even long after we started fucking. Even now, I love her dearly and she is and has been one of the most important influences in my life, I am not. It reveals how desperately shallow I am, and admitting it hurts like I cannot describe.

Fuck me, I am such a cad.

Just because I'm not attracted to her never meant I wasn't aroused by her, and dear fucking god.... She knew exactly how to turn a bloke on, and even today she has a power over me I find exhilarating. It is nice to know that there is someone out there that knows me so very well that she can arouse me with a look. I learned so very much from her, not just in how to make love to a woman, but how to be alive.

After V----, there was L----. I never slept with her, even though the opportunity arose on several occasions. I regret not doing it, but my reasons for not were damn good ones. L---- and I dated for several months, and she was the first person I ever really loved. Oh yeah, I had it bad, and when that relationship went sideways, K---- was there to be my friend, to help me through the bad shit, to open her bed to me and provide comfort both physically and mentally.

I wish I could have loved her. I know now that that would have completely changed the direction of my life, so very much would have been different. But the knowledge now doesn't help me then. I wanted to love her, I knew she was consciously not allowing herself to love me, and I was doing just the opposite, consciously fighting to force myself to love her.

And I felt guilty as hell. I wanted her sexually, and I was thrilled by how much I was learning from her... But I felt like I was abusing her far more than V---- could ever claim I abused her.

It was an amazing summer. I spent almost every day with K----, and even though I couldn't love her THAT way, I found that I loved her in a completely different way. She became my confidant, my friend, my lover. In many respects, she became my very best friend, and I have loved her so ever since. She was always there for me, and I owe her so much more than i could ever repay.

She is in an amazing relationship with an incredible man now. He is such a badass, and I look forward to knowing him better as the years pass. They're a poly couple, and that's one of the coolest things ever. I wish you both the very best, I really do.

She was number two, and we fucked pretty constantly for a good bit of time. Even after L---- moved back, but before we became an issue again, I continued to sleep with K----. It was fantastic sex, some of the best I've ever had, and I hope we get the chance to fuck again really soon. Now that we have matured considerably, and I've learned even more, I am interested in seeing what the dynamic will be. Especially since we are both so Dominant now. I know that won't be a problem since we both respect and care for each other, but it will definitely add a flavor to the bedroom that promises to be... Interesting.

I guess ones of the most important lessons I learned from her was that sex could be healthy. Sex didn't have to be an expression of romantic love, but it could be an expression of a different love no less pure. A love of sex, a love of friendship and companionship, a love of learning, a love of instruction. I have taken lessons from that relationship and carried them throughout the rest of my life. Thank you, K----, with all of the wretched little remnants of my tired old heart.

Oh. My. God. Blogspot.

So, I'm thinking of writing a blog. It's something I've done off and on over the years, and writing really is something that I do rather well.

Ok, so I'm a bit conceited and a bit full of myself, but you can't tell me that that isn't something that you don't find appealing in my personality, now can you?

But, in all seriousness, all writers have a bit of pretentious self-importance about themselves, otherwise, you would never have read them, you would never quote their work, and you wouldn't see their names on the spines of the books you so love. All writers are conceited, I'm just a little more honest about it than most.

What would I possible write about in this blog that anyone would find interest in reading? What has happened in my life that would make it at all useful to people on the outside? I am an egocentric asshole, for sure, but I don't really want to write something that is just a giant waste of time. I do write a bit for self gratification, but those, I promise, will not grace your shelves or tickle your voyeuristic fetish.

Ahhhhh. Perhaps that is it. Sex, fetish, kink, vanilla, loathsome twosome threesome four some, moresome? There we go. I think I will follow in the footsteps of all of the other ridiculous little bloggers out there and talk about sex. My sex life, or lack there of. Perhaps, rather, I will write about how a fat fuck like me has almost always had a hot piece of ass of some form or another.

No. I think I will write about my sexual partners first, starting from the very beginning. I think that it would give some context for my later work, and I don't think any of you will ever give a shit about this, but I am going to pretend that you do, in fact, care.

Her name was V----. You didn't really think I would give her name, did you? Those of you that really know me already know of her or know her yourself, so there really is no point. Those of you that don't, fuck you. Go find that fetish somewhere else.

She was short, had a deformity in her left foot, had super curly hair, and some of the most amazing tits I had ever seen. Admittedly, I hadn't seen very many REAL tits at the tend age of 17, but I have seen quite a few since then and I would still say that there was something amazing about them. Perky, dark little nipples that tasted of the vanilla body wash she used all the damn time. They were small c-cups, and they fit perfectly in my hands.

They looked huge on her 4'11 frame, and she knew it. She also knew how to be a grade A psycho, but I will get to that later.

We dated briefly in high school. She was a senior, I was a sophomore. I thought I was hot shit dating a senior. A senior with a CAR. so what if her deformity netted her a handicapped parking space, it was a fucking CAR. I was in lurv.

Ok, no I wasn't. I wanted to believe that I was, so I told her I did. Right up until we had been dating for six months or so, I decided I couldnt stand how ultra codependent she was, and I dumped her. Second biggest mistake I ever made with her was dumping her so badly. The first came later, when I decided it would be a good idea to fuck her.

No, we hadn't slept together, that came over a year later when I joined her at SFCC. we never started seeing each other at college, I had decided that I liked dating men, and had spent a good bit of time playing around with them. I had several make out and blow job friends, but sex? That all elusive beautiful thing was still eluding me, and I had no idea how to go about attaining it.

I told HER, however, that I was quite the manwhore. Lied like a stupid little boy, but somehow that made me seem more attractive to her and eventually, on her bed a few months into my seventeenth year, we finally bumped the uglies.

It was terrible.

I performed exactly like you would expect a 17 year old virgin to perform, she didn't cum, and I thought it was... Well, not that good really. Did I get addicted? You bet your sweet Nickers I did. I loved sex, and I decided that I would fuck her even if it was terrible, just because I was getting laid.

What I didn't really count on was that virgin women (yep, twenty and still a virgin) can get ohmygod attached to the gentleman that was so stupid as to deflower them. And I thought she was codependent and clingy BEFORE we had sex.

She hunted me down all over the place. It didn't matter where I went on campus, she would find me and walk with me to class. She would sit with me in the computer lab while I chatted about geek things and boy things with other boys. I was terrible to her, and I regret that.

Ultimately, she went full psycho on me and I was forced to end it. I told her I never wanted to see her again, she pulled more psycho out of her handbag and claimed I raped her.

Yep. Honest and stupid here. That's me.

Did I really rape her? Not on your life. However, she scared the piss out of me right up until she used that as an opportunity to drag me unwilling back to her apartment. I, being stupid as fuck, actually believed that she thought she had been raped. I had no idea what to do, I was scared out of my fucking mind, and I didn't want to do anything that might set her off. So I went to her place, had one more terrible romp in her bed, realized I was a stupidfuckingmoron, and left as carefully as I could. Did I mention the guilt complex? Ooo I felt so goddamn dirty. I went home and showered as a trembling mess. I had no idea what to expect, no idea what to say or do.

It scared me very bad. Then I realized that there was no way I could have raped her, all 8 underwhelming episodes had been initiated by her clumsy advances, and she was just saying that to get me back in her bed. Psycho, remember?

I have regretted many parts of that relationship ever since. I cannot say that I regret the sex, it definitely taught me a lot about myself and about how much I didn't know about sex, and it taught me that Men do really fucking stupid things when they are highly aroused. Must watch that. Mustn't do anything else stupid as fuck.

Yeah, right.